Funny SG sayings

[#?#]

Lost City :

President Hayes : Will you shut the hell up?
*at Weir and Kinsey*

**The look at Kinsey's face, priceless**

[Darth CRÅYSHACK_Toe9292]

Sheppard: *to girl in cell with him* Do happen to have something sharp to pierc the wall with?

Girl: No

Sheppard: OK. Everyone in my last cell seemed to have one.

[Anqueetas]

This is from Stargate Atlantis while they are trowing knifes at the wall to open the door.

(on panel with about 12 knifes in it)
Sheppard to Ronan: How many of those you got?
Ronan: How many do you need?

[guthrdav]

i found a link to some quotes

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118480/quotes

hmmm yeah.

[_Woolfer_]

Ok i dont know if this has been done allready but I got a great laugh lol

From episode 1969
Airman: Are you Soviet spies(said in russian)
Jackson: Niet
few minutes later O'Neill having a little talk with the 1969 general
The general: So if you're not Soviet spies what's your name?
O'Neill: My name is captain James T. Kirk.
The general: Ok mr. Kirk lol
Another minute later...
O'Neill: Ok i'll be honest with you... My name is not Kirk... It's Skywalker, Luke Skywalker

[_Woolfer_]

Ok got another one

Atlantis season 2 episode 12
Not too funny but it's a good one

The team asks annoying question(to mckay that is) bout what they are looking for...

Mckay: I'll know it when i see it... And i see it
Ronan: It looks like a door!
Mckay: Yes it is remarkably door-like!

lol

[Pakarinen]

that is gold!

[SGC_Sam Fisher]

CRITICAL MASS

KAVANAGH: I don't see how you can possibly milk any more power out of the hyperdrive ...

HERMIOD (interrupting): Doctor Kavanagh.

KAVANAGH: Yes?

HERMIOD (firmly): Stop talking, please. (He looks at Kavanagh for a moment.) Thank you.

[Starscream]

From The Lost City
O'neil:Burns as a Goa'uld it's the perfect analogy
they talk about it...and Teal'c shows us how deep he is
Daniel: Show Them,You guys will be lucky even to understand this
Teal'c: My Depth is inmaterial to this discussion
Daniel: Ohhh....
Oneil: No More Beer For You..
Sam says something....I can't remember what
Oneil: You Know What? The Entire VHS Collection was Going to one of you....it's going to Siler...he gets it


My all time favorite quote.....
From Atlantis Rising
Beckett: How Come I don't make friends like that?
Mckay: You Need To Get out more.
Beckett: We're in another galaxy how much more out can you get?

That Quote alone is Priceless...

[thunder]

sorry if this was already posted, but one of my favorit sceens is

senetor (crap forgot his name but you know the guy) comander thor

thor Supream comander

dont know why but that sceen just always makes me laugh cause thors so damn cool

[Pakarinen]

Jack: Isnt that a Greek tragedy?

everyone stares at him as Carter starts to speak



then awhile later;

Pendtercast stares at the moniters as he braces himself bravely.





Peace be with you

[railk]

Decent

"we are experiencing some major shrinkage heare" O'Neall

[SGC_Sam Fisher]

The SGA episode "Inferno".

McKAY: The austerity of the facility suggests that it was built during the height of war.

NORINA: It is well beyond our science. My skills are rudimentary at best.

SHEPPARD: Ah, don't be so hard on yourself. It took Doctor McKay years to figure out all things Ancient and he still doesn't completely understand.

McKAY (defensively): I have a very firm grasp of Ancient technology.

SHEPPARD: You've blow up entire planets, Rodney.

McKAY: That wasn't my fault!

SHEPPARD: Well, it didn't do it by itself!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SHEPPARD: ... would come very much in handy now that the Wraith are probably on their way -- I know. Uh, I'm gonna get back there now -- uh, make sure he's not distracted.

WEIR: Distracted?

SHEPPARD: Ah, well, the lead scientist, uh, she's very, um ...

WEIR: ... hot?

SHEPPARD: I was gonna say attractive. But McKay is acting very, uh ...

WEIR: ... smitten?

SHEPPARD: I was gonna say pathetic.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

McKAY: And I have, uh, discovered the ship's name. (He looks at his computer tablet.) It's the, um, Hippaforalkus.

SHEPPARD: The what?!

McKAY: Yeah, well, it appears to have been named after an Ancient general ... Hippaforalkus.

SHEPPARD: Well, we're not calling it that!

McKAY: Oh good, then what about, um ...

SHEPPARD: And we're not calling it the Enterprise either!

McKAY: I wasn't gonna say that! Look, for my second choice, though, I'd go with, um ...

SHEPPARD: How about we name it later?

McKAY: Fine.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

McKAY: Fixing the sublight engines was impossible in the amount of time we had left. They were just too badly damaged, but I devised a sort of a patch that in effect diverts auxiliary power to the hyperdrive. Only enough for a fraction of a second, mind you.

SHEPPARD: That won't get us very far.

McKAY: We don't need to go far. Any old orbit will do.

SHEPPARD: And then what?

McKAY (rolling his eyes and leaning on the console): Well, then, Norina and I were planning a small dinner for us all, nothing fancy ...

NORINA: Rodney.

McKAY (high-pitched with indignation): Well, what does he mean, "Then what"?! Then we won't die horribly!

SHEPPARD: So your plan is to not blow a hole in the hangar but to sit here and wait for this cataclysmic eruption to take place.

McKAY: With the shields and inertial dampeners at full strength, yes.

BECKETT: I think I may be missing something. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the volcano erupts, don't we as well?

(Rodney clicks his fingers and points at Carson.)

McKAY: That's the plan.

SHEPPARD: That's the plan?

McKAY: That's the plan!

SHEPPARD: That plan sucks!

BECKETT: Aye!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ORION CONTROL ROOM. Rodney is lying on his back on the floor, working on the underside of the console. Norina is squatting down and holding a computer tablet so that he can see it, while John and Carson are also squatting and watching. Rodney snatches his hand back from the console with a cry of pain.

NORINA: What?

McKAY: Oh! I bent my fingernail back! I hate that!

(Carson lowers his head in disbelief.)

NORINA (condescendingly): Yes, that can be painful.

McKAY: Yeah, will you look at that?! (He holds his middle finger up to show her.)

SHEPPARD: Are you done?!

McKAY: Almost. Look, does anyone have nail clippers?

BECKETT: Rodney!

(John smacks Rodney's leg.)

McKAY: Ah! Not helping! Alright ... (he types on the computer that Norina is holding, then reaches up to the underside of the console again and adjusts something.) So ... (he counts off the items on his fingers) ... hyperdrive's ready, inertial dampeners engaged, shields are up ... We're good to go. (He scrambles up from underneath the console, stands up, then stares, wide-eyed.) Whoa!

NORINA (nervously): What?

(Rodney blinks.)

McKAY: Got up too fast.

[Morganskywalker]

Jack O'Neill: Do you read the Bible, Teal'c?
Teal'c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.



General George S. Hammond: It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here.
Jack O'Neill: How about a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage...
General George S. Hammond: This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: Car wash?



Daniel: I think they're a family.
Jack O'Neill: Of what?


Jack O'Neill: I just walked in with a handfull of ingredients for my world-famous omelette!
Sam Carter: World-famous huh? What's in it?
Jack O'Neill: Eggs.
Sam Carter: I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.
Jack O'Neill: Oh don't kid yourself, there's a secret ingredient I can't tell you what it is or I'd have to shoot you.
Sam Carter: It's beer isn't it?




Daniel: Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae.
Jack O'Neill: I thought you said it was Greek.
Daniel: Oh, Mycenae was an ancient city in the Southern Peloponnesian region.
Jack O'Neill: Where's that?
Daniel: Greece.
Jack O'Neill: Why do I do that?


Daniel: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?
Teal'c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.



[O'Neill gets Teal'c to join him at his cabin for fishing. O'Neill sits and tells Teal'c about fishing as Teal'c stands holding his pole as he does a staff weapon]
Teal'c: There appears to be no fish here, O'Neill.
Jack O'Neill: Its not about the actual fish, themselves. Fish are not important in this context, its about FISHING, the act of fishing itself.
Teal'c: I see.
[a cell phone starts ringing]
Jack O'Neill: You didn't?
Teal'c: By request of General Hammond.
[Answering phone as Teal'c slaps a mosquito] Jack O'Neill: WHAT?... Yes Daniel, he's right here, please hold.
[O'Neill hands the phone to Teal'c]
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson... we have caught nothing, we are fishing.
[Daniel asks for a translation]
Teal'c: "Banished to oblivion."
Daniel Jackson: Thank you
Teal'c: If you require assistance, I would be more the happy to return to the SGC
[O'Neill looks annoyed]
Teal'c: Are you sure?
[taking the phone] Jack O'Neill: Good bye Daniel.
[O'Neill removes the phone battery, and throws it into the lake]



[Teal'c has started hallucinating about his wife]
Teal'c: Do not test my temper, woman.
Daniel Jackson: Woman? Did he just call me a woman?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, I believe he did.



Daniel: Wow, this coffee's great!
Sam Carter: I was just thinking that.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, is that cinnamon?
Daniel: Chicory
[Teal'c unscrews the lid from the coffee pot and drinks the contents]
Sam Carter: Teal'c!
Jack O'Neill: Isn't that hot?
Teal'c: Extremely.
[the others look shocked]
General George S. Hammond: Just stay on the base. We're going to need to keep and eye on you for the time being.
Daniel: I feel fine.
Teal'c: As do I, DANIEL Jackson.
General George S. Hammond: For someone who just drank a half gallon of steaming hot coffee?
Jack O'Neill: Right.




Daniel Jackson: I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Is that a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning?
Daniel Jackson: Subtle, huh?




[in an alternate timeline, Teal'c, who is the still the First Prime of Apophis, brings Daniel Jackson before his master]
Apophis: Who are you?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Name's Daniel Jackson. Uh, if you give me back my eyeglasses, I could actually see you.
Teal'c: He claims he is of the Tau'ri.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You weren't supposed to tell him that.
Apophis: The Tau'ri have no Chaapa'ai.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh! Sorry, guess I was wrong. I'm sure your information is correct and ... In fact, I'm usually quite wrong, quite unreliable actually. To be honest with you, I'm insane.
Apophis: I think there is much you can tell me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, if you wanna know about the early settlements of Mesopotamia, I am somewhat of an expert...






Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device in order to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
Colonel: General, I gave the order.
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: I fired the staff weapon.
Capt.: And... I was there.




Baal: You dare mock me?
Colonel: Come on Ba'al, you should know. Of course I dare mock you.




[Stuck in a continous time loop with Teal'c] Jack O'Neill: If it were just me, I'd understand, but what about Teal'c? Come on, is this the face of a crazy man?




Jack O'Neill: He still thinks I'm a Goa'uld, right?
Sam Carter: Yeah, I think so. What are you going to do?
Jack O'Neill: Watch.
[stands up and walks toward the gate]
Jack O'Neill: Jaffa. Kree.
[long sentence of Goa'uld vernacular]
Major General Trofsky: ...
Jack O'Neill: Uh... Didn't you hear me? I said Kree.




Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Jack O'Neill: Is that a "money back if you're not completely alive" guarantee?



Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Daniel: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack O'Neill: Never run with... scissors?



Captain Kyle Rogers: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
Jack O'Neill: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?



Sam Carter: They built their own stargate?
Daniel: Waaay smarter than us.
Jack O'Neill: Ours is bigger.



Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, look scary and take point.




Sam Carter: Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean, something like five hundred million billion just passed through you.
Jack O'Neill: No matter how dense.




Jack O'Neill: Just give me some kind of warning.
Teal'c: I'm going to shoot you.
Jack O'Neill: I was thinking more along the lines of "On Three".



Daniel: Wait a minute, you're actually saying that you need someone... dumber than you are?
Jack O'Neill: You may have come to the right place.



Daniel: Their whole world is in flames - and we're offering them gasoline. How does that help?
Teal'c: We are in fact offering water.
Jack O'Neill: Thank you.
Daniel: I was speaking metaphorically.
Jack O'Neill: Well stop it. It's not fair to Teal'c.





Major Robert Thornbird: Some sort of state secret?
Jack O'Neill: No. Just difficult to pronounce.




Captain Kyle Rogers: My lord?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, we just call him General Hammond.
General George S. Hammond: I'd like to debrief ASAP, Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: Yes, my lord.



Sam Carter: Maybourne, you are an idiot everyday of the week, couldn't you have taken just this one day off?




General George S. Hammond: Can these devices be removed?
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Not without causing irreparable brain damage, sir.
Jack O'Neill: What's the down side?




Daniel: Actually, General, the Tollan refused to give us any technology.
Jack O'Neill: Offered us a nice fruit basket though




Commander Rigar: Wormhole?
Jack O'Neill: Giant worms. Huge.



Thor: The Replicators were brought aboard an Asgard ship, for study, before the danger could be fully comprehended.
Jack O'Neill: We do that all the time. Kind of expected more from you guys.




Jack O'Neill: The Goa'uld are coming, Senator!
Senator Kinsey: Then I think they'll be sorry that they took on the US Army!
[sarcastically] Daniel: Right. We'll just upload a virus into their mothership.




Jack O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of those.
Teal'c: I will attempt to translate one, O'Neill.
[Teal'c thinks]
Teal'c: A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose drips.



Jack O'Neill: It's always suicide-mission this, save-the-planet that. No one ever stops by just to say 'hi' anymore.




Jack O'Neill: You know, we really should come up with a new strategy. One that does not include us dying.




Jack O'Neill: I think that Sam means, "What do we do now? "
Bra'tac: Now we die.
Jack O'Neill: Well that's a bad plan.



[discussing Daniel's dreams]
Teal'c: Most often, dreams are merely the mind's way of dealing with desires that cannot be fufilled.
Daniel Jackson: Ah. So basically, I'm never gonna get a good night's sleep again.
Teal'c: With all your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.
Daniel Jackson: Thank you, Teal'c. This conversation has been disturbing... on many levels...




Jack O'Neill: My name's Jack; it means... what's in the box.



Jack O'Neill: I have great confidence in you Carter. Go back to the SGC and... confuse Hammond.



[Jacob/Selmak, Daniel, and Sam are on a Tok'ra scout ship, being questioned by a Goul'd mothership]
Jacob Carter/Selmak: All right, we're almost finished. Sam's just finishing up.
Daniel: Uh, that's good, 'cuz I don't think they bought my act.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Why? Who'd you say you were?
Daniel: The, uh, Great and Powerful Oz.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: SAM!




Colonel Sean Grieves: I'll say it again, I don't like the idea of going into this unarmed.
Jack O'Neill: And... I don't care.
Lieutenant Kershaw: I feel a lot better knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs.
[holds up a knife] Daniel Jackson: Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?
Colonel Sean Grieves: I'd be happy to show you.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

some may have been said, if so I am sorry.

[Bastet]

These I find good cause you wouldn't expect to hear these people saying them.

O'Neill: What now?

Teal'c: I have heard of a place where humans take battle in a ring of jello

O'Neill: Call Daniel

-------------------------------------------------
Teal'c: Boobies?
-------------------------------------------------
Daniel; woof
-------------------------------------------------
*after Teal'c has been sprayed with a water gun*
Daniel: Guess we shouldn't have loaded it
Teal'c: *puts sun glasses on and sprays Daniel with a different water gun* how else would she have defended herself *goes after Ally*
Daniel: *now alone* how else