Posted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 9:58 pm
George Carlin
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
"What year did Jesus think it was?"
"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."
"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"
"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."
"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"
"If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?"
"If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein’s army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large."
groucho marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
random people
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
Yogi Berra.
"Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees."
JJ Furnas.
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it."
W. Somerset Maugham.
"Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead."
James Thurber.
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."
Joe Louis.
"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."
Joseph Heller.
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
Winston Churchill.
"Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."
Woody Allen (...more Woody Allen Quotes).
"All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing."
Maurice Maeterlinck.
"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic."
Joseph Stalin.
GEORGE W BUSH
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position."
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself."
"The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case."
"If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura."
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
"What year did Jesus think it was?"
"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."
"Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!"
"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country."
"If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"
"If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?"
"If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein’s army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large."
groucho marx
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
random people
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
Yogi Berra.
"Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees."
JJ Furnas.
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it."
W. Somerset Maugham.
"Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead."
James Thurber.
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."
Joe Louis.
"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."
Joseph Heller.
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
Winston Churchill.
"Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."
Woody Allen (...more Woody Allen Quotes).
"All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing."
Maurice Maeterlinck.
"A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic."
Joseph Stalin.
GEORGE W BUSH
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position."
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself."
"The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case."
"If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura."
