Apology
Posted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 3:42 pm
This is going to be a long post, so prepare yourselves.
I'm sure you may have noticed by my recent return thread, I was eager to draw a line under previous events and begin anew. Four years away from the game, surely, was enough to let old grudges go.
Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case. As loath as am I to dig up something that's been dead and buried this long, it's been pointed out to me, that its a necessary part of moving on.
Back then, I had my reasons for it and they felt justified to me. And I hope that now some of the context to those decisions have been made clear to you, you understand a little of the why. I felt unheard, I think mostly, that so many condemned me by the hearsay that was passed on. Out of the hundreds of people I'd become acquainted to after years of playing, I could count on fingers, the number that were even prepared to listen to what I was trying to say. Fewer still I felt, actually believed it.
With hindsight, I can see that I left when I should have stayed. I lost my temper and yelled when I should have spoken, or better yet, listened. I threw out insults left and right, generally burned every bridge behind me. All I could see was the hate mail and threats coming at me, and reacted by slinging them right back, targeting them to where they hurt the most. I was hurting, and wanted those people to hurt as well.
I think what I failed to consider, was how much I'd hurt the people I cared about. We may call this a 'game' but after two years of talking to the same crowd of people, day in, day out, on msn and ts, they become more than merely 'game buddies', they're friends. And none of them deserved to be treated the way they were. I never considered how difficult it must have been for the people left behind, to watch me go and destroy things the way I did, to create extra work for them to clear up, and above all, that perhaps I didn't consider them worth staying for.
I am sure, disappearing from the game and appearing only as a 'neutral' mod giving out warnings left & right, didn't help matters. Nor did abruptly leaving the forums, without so much as a word in public. I am sure, over the 3 years I've been gone since, many of those that used to call me friend, wonder why they wasted their time on me in the first place.
And perhaps rightly so, want nothing to do with me now.
Can you feel the 'but' coming?
Mortality, how short life is, and regrets are something that have come up time and time again recently IRL. Sgw, more precisely, it's community, and how things ended are always something I've regretted a great deal. I still have some great memories, but much of it has become poisoned, and I don't want it to stay like that.
I won't name names, as I simply don't want to pick people out, or forget anyone. Hopefully, you know who you are though, and whether they're still playing or not, this will always be here. I am sincerely, and humbly sorry for the trouble I put you through. I am sorry for the extra work you had on forums, the extra time taken out of your days. I'm sorry for the personally aimed barbs many of you took, and the hurt I caused to friends that had done nothing wrong. I'm sorry that I betrayed the trust you placed in me, whatever the reason. And I'm also sorry for the time it took for me to get to this point, I should have manned up and done this a long time ago.
I hope you'll accept my apology, and allow me a chance to prove that over the last four years, I've grown and changed as a person. And that maybe, I'm worth getting to know again. However, should you need time to see that my actions match my words, I'll understand that too.
I understand that to some, what I did was unforgivable, and there is no way back from that, ever. While it's disappointing, I'll respect the choice is yours to make.
Perhaps this is yet again, the wrong thing to do, and chances are, I'll receive nothing out of it. What is done, is done after all, and my past actions cannot be changed, or wiped away. Perhaps this will only dig the hole deeper. All I can say, is it felt like the right answer to a long unanswered question, and the only thing I could do to try and put actions behind my words. It is one thing to speak of your intentions and feelings in private, quite another to do so in public. I can only hope it shows my sincerity and meaning.
P.s I do not diminish the alliance that did take me in, or the friends that I made there. For a time I did have fun there, and a great couple of experiences. Just perhaps, it would have been better for all involved, had I come to you another way.
I'm sure you may have noticed by my recent return thread, I was eager to draw a line under previous events and begin anew. Four years away from the game, surely, was enough to let old grudges go.
Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case. As loath as am I to dig up something that's been dead and buried this long, it's been pointed out to me, that its a necessary part of moving on.
Back then, I had my reasons for it and they felt justified to me. And I hope that now some of the context to those decisions have been made clear to you, you understand a little of the why. I felt unheard, I think mostly, that so many condemned me by the hearsay that was passed on. Out of the hundreds of people I'd become acquainted to after years of playing, I could count on fingers, the number that were even prepared to listen to what I was trying to say. Fewer still I felt, actually believed it.
With hindsight, I can see that I left when I should have stayed. I lost my temper and yelled when I should have spoken, or better yet, listened. I threw out insults left and right, generally burned every bridge behind me. All I could see was the hate mail and threats coming at me, and reacted by slinging them right back, targeting them to where they hurt the most. I was hurting, and wanted those people to hurt as well.
I think what I failed to consider, was how much I'd hurt the people I cared about. We may call this a 'game' but after two years of talking to the same crowd of people, day in, day out, on msn and ts, they become more than merely 'game buddies', they're friends. And none of them deserved to be treated the way they were. I never considered how difficult it must have been for the people left behind, to watch me go and destroy things the way I did, to create extra work for them to clear up, and above all, that perhaps I didn't consider them worth staying for.
I am sure, disappearing from the game and appearing only as a 'neutral' mod giving out warnings left & right, didn't help matters. Nor did abruptly leaving the forums, without so much as a word in public. I am sure, over the 3 years I've been gone since, many of those that used to call me friend, wonder why they wasted their time on me in the first place.
And perhaps rightly so, want nothing to do with me now.
Can you feel the 'but' coming?
Mortality, how short life is, and regrets are something that have come up time and time again recently IRL. Sgw, more precisely, it's community, and how things ended are always something I've regretted a great deal. I still have some great memories, but much of it has become poisoned, and I don't want it to stay like that.
I won't name names, as I simply don't want to pick people out, or forget anyone. Hopefully, you know who you are though, and whether they're still playing or not, this will always be here. I am sincerely, and humbly sorry for the trouble I put you through. I am sorry for the extra work you had on forums, the extra time taken out of your days. I'm sorry for the personally aimed barbs many of you took, and the hurt I caused to friends that had done nothing wrong. I'm sorry that I betrayed the trust you placed in me, whatever the reason. And I'm also sorry for the time it took for me to get to this point, I should have manned up and done this a long time ago.
I hope you'll accept my apology, and allow me a chance to prove that over the last four years, I've grown and changed as a person. And that maybe, I'm worth getting to know again. However, should you need time to see that my actions match my words, I'll understand that too.
I understand that to some, what I did was unforgivable, and there is no way back from that, ever. While it's disappointing, I'll respect the choice is yours to make.
Perhaps this is yet again, the wrong thing to do, and chances are, I'll receive nothing out of it. What is done, is done after all, and my past actions cannot be changed, or wiped away. Perhaps this will only dig the hole deeper. All I can say, is it felt like the right answer to a long unanswered question, and the only thing I could do to try and put actions behind my words. It is one thing to speak of your intentions and feelings in private, quite another to do so in public. I can only hope it shows my sincerity and meaning.
P.s I do not diminish the alliance that did take me in, or the friends that I made there. For a time I did have fun there, and a great couple of experiences. Just perhaps, it would have been better for all involved, had I come to you another way.
We all are. 
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