Bought a new car?

[Fear Of The Duck]

Dear New BMW Owner:

Congratulations on the purchase of your new automobile! We're sure that
it will provide you with the utmost in driving pleasure and lifestyle
enhancement.

However, we must inform you that there are certain minimum requirements
that a BMW customer must meet in order to retain ownership of his or her
vehicle. Specifically, as a first time owner, you must take and pass the
following classes, offered by your local BMW dealer:

* ARR 101 -- Arrogance
A six week course explaining the details of driving habits, posture,
clothing, and other details that all lead to the arrogant appearance
and demeanor that all BMW owners must present. $800/person

* AGG 101 -- Aggressiveness
Six weeks of hands-on experience in tailgating, rapid unsignaled lane
changes, speeding, and hard breaking. When you complete this course
you'll be able to merge your car into the tiniest available spot on the
freeway and cause everyone around you to know a BMW just entered the
road, even if they couldn't see you at the time. $1000/person

* BUD 101 -- Budgeting To Make Your Car Payment
Twelve weeks. $1500/person

If this is a second (or later) BMW, then our requirements include:

* ARR 102 -- Arrogance Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on arrogance. $650/person

* AGG 102 -- Aggressiveness Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on aggressiveness. $850/person

* BUD 102 -- Additional Budgeting Skills
12 weeks. This course covers additional budgeting skills including:
* How to buy your teenage child his or her first BMW and
still make the payment on your own.
* The home equity loan -- your friend.
* Selling your house to pay for your car -- you can do it.
* Paying for your BMW owner training classes -- yes, you have to.
$1500/person

These classes must be completed successfully during your first 3 months of
ownership, or we will be forced to repossess your car.

In addition, we offer other classes that you may be interested in taking.
These include:

* LIF 101 -- Living Where Other BMW Owners Live
How to find those neighborhoods where your fellow BMW owners already live.
Three weeks. $500/person

* MAI 101 -- BMW Maintenance
Four weeks. Basic training in how to open your wallet to pay BMW
mechanics seven times the going hourly rate to fix your car when it
breaks. $750/person

* MAI 201 -- Advanced BMW Maintenance
Eight weeks. Admission to this class requires instructor approval.
Hypno-therapy to ease the process of opening the wallet of really
tough customers.

Please contact your BMW dealer to enroll in your required classes, and
in any of the voluntary classes that appeal to you.

Once again, we appreciate your business! Happy Driving!

[semper]

BMW's are good cars. Just because people have good taste, dosent mean any of the above.

The new BMW for example, looks awesome, I would certainly buy it, then again I am a seasoned master in all the specified requirements.

[murkar]

I'm going to have to agree. I don't feel the slightest bit aggressive when I rip past people in my mom's new 328 at 20 or 30 over the limit

Seriously, my first car will be a BMW, even if I have to budget and buy an old one. They're damn good cars. The last one was four years old and the only thing it needed was oil, gas, and a brake replacement one week before the day it was sold.

[Apadamek]

BMW's suck. Mercedes FTW.

[Juliette]

I'm going to have to agree. I don't feel the slightest bit aggressive when I rip past people in my mom's new 328 at 20 or 30 over the limit

Seriously, my first car will be a BMW, even if I have to budget and buy an old one. They're damn good cars. The last one was four years old and the only thing it needed was oil, gas, and a brake replacement one week before the day it was sold.

Imagine it has not had the brake replacement.
I would list brakes as one of the more essential parts of a car..
Also, it must have been one dirty car very quickly.. or did you wash it with oil?


All that joking aside. Amusing list. Would be good if all drivers got these lessons, actually, since all drivers are jerks without a conscience.
Yay! Finally a group of people one can insult without repercussions. (Or is there a secret society of car drivers which seeks to defend all drivers from insults and stuff, and wage holy war on cyclists?)

[semper]

BMW's suck. Mercedes FTW.

I prefer Mercedes. More for personal reasons than car quality.

[weilandsmith]

BMW's suck. Mercedes FTW.

FTW!!

[Cole]

BMW's suck. Mercedes FTW.

hehe

(Favourite/dream car of all times of mine: Mercedes S Class
In beginning:
[spoiler][/spoiler]
Then:
[spoiler][/spoiler]
Now:
[spoiler][/spoiler]
And soon:
[spoiler][/spoiler]

[murkar]

I'd still look at one of these before either though:

Maserati GranTurismo

[spoiler][/spoiler]

[Apadamek]

I'd still look at one of these before either though:

Maserati GranTurismo

[spoiler][/spoiler]

a Maserati is a step above BMW or Mercedes, I mean it's more expensive, faster, better quality engine. Maserati is a summer weekend car while a BMW or Mercedes is an every day car.

[Cole]

And that one owns Maserati...

[spoiler][/spoiler]

660hp
338km/h (210mph)
Acceleration 0-100(62 mph) s: 3.6

Mercedes Brabus SLR MacLaren.

[Fear Of The Duck]

bmw... hmm...

What's the difference between porcupines and BMW's?

well.. since i have no complex about the size of my wallet mercedes is the thing to go for (if someone REALLY HAS to go for the deutsche forsprung technik). it is a classy car (that's why it comes in classes, not in ordinaery series). but personally i prefer volvo. or saab (even if it's a bit ugly)

I'd still look at one of these before either though:

Maserati GranTurismo

[spoiler][/spoiler]

"turismo"? whiskey tango foxtrot?? what turismo???? my hiking boots won't fit in this..


(actually.. the boots fit on the passenger seat, but then ther'll be no room for the brazilian babe)

[murkar]

And that one owns Maserati...

[spoiler][/spoiler]

660hp
338km/h (210mph)
Acceleration 0-100(62 mph) s: 3.6

Mercedes Brabus SLR MacLaren.

Just one question about the gullwings; if you park in a lot between two cars or with a post or something on the drivers side, how do you get out lol

I mean, the new ones are practical and are one of the sexiest cars known to man, but only Mercedes would engineer a car (the original gullwing) capable of parking only in spaces where there's no objects with three feet of the driver's side door.

[Fear Of The Duck]

what about delorean?

[murkar]

No, actually, I was referring to the fact that a luxury car manufacturer known as Mercedes Benz began selling a car incapable of parking beside anything, the Mercedes 300SL "Gullwing". I would have thought that they would have caught that somewhere and sometime before the production phase but apparently not. And yes, Delorean failed hard as well with the DMC-12, as the company dissolved in 1982 and the car was the only car ever developed by that company. They couldn't afford to fail.