Looking for opinons/advice on something I did in class

[Bromas]

Basically, my teacher told me to go away and improve my fantasy book opening. It is here:

[spoiler]The town shook as another tremendous wooden beam fell and crashed into the ground leaving a large dent in the floor before crumbling into dust. The already scared elf shuddered at the noise and the feeling. The flames cackled, burning everything the elf knew. He had one thing on his mind; Revenge on the people that did this to his home. (Paragraph end/start) As the flames died down, darkness grew but the fire grew inside of the elf until his heart was an inferno with anger it was stronger than ever before. He was tired not 30minutes ago, looking for a bed to lay his weary head on; though now he was more awake than ever and looking for the people that did this to his town, he began to search the rubble[/spoiler]

I am looking for advice/criticisms as well as punctuation/grammar errors pointed out (UK ENGLISH.)

Thanks for your time - Andy <3

[ƒëmmë]

The town shook, as another tremendous wooden beam fell crashing into the ground. Leaving a large dent in the floor before crumbling into dust. The already scared elf shuddered at the noise and the feeling. The flames cackled, burning everything the elf knew. He had one thing on his mind; Revenge on the people that did this to his home. (Paragraph end/start) The flames died down and the darkness grew. But the fire inside of the elf grew, until his heart was an inferno of anger it stronger than ever before. He was tired not 30minutes ago, looking for a bed to lay his weary head on. Now he was more awake than ever and looking for the people that did this to his town. He began to search the rubble[/spoiler]

I am looking for advice/criticisms as well as punctuation/grammar errors pointed out (UK ENGLISH.)

Thanks for your time - Andy <3[/quote]

[Juliette]

The town shook as another gigantic wooden beam fell down and crashed into the ground. After it crumbled into dust, a large dust-filled hole in the ground was all that was left. The elf, already scared, shuddered at the noise. Flames crackled, fire burning everything the elf knew. Beside the fear, only one thing was on his mind; revenge against the people who did this to his home.
As the flames died down, darkness returned. Inside the elf, a fiery anger grew until his heart was a seething inferno, stronger than ever before. Not 30 minutes before, he had been tired and half-asleep, now he was more awake than ever and looking for clues to find the people who did this to his town. He began to search the rubble. ".. To be continued."


Good luck.
Witches cackle. Fire crackles. For starters.

Basically, my teacher told me to go away and improve my fantasy book opening. It is here:

[spoiler]The town shook as another tremendous wooden beam fell and crashed into the ground leaving a large dent in the floor before crumbling into dust. The already scared elf shuddered at the noise and the feeling. The flames cackled, burning everything the elf knew. He had one thing on his mind; Revenge on the people that did this to his home. (Paragraph end/start) As the flames died down, darkness grew but the fire grew inside of the elf until his heart was an inferno with anger it was stronger than ever before. He was tired not 30minutes ago, looking for a bed to lay his weary head on; though now he was more awake than ever and looking for the people that did this to his town, he began to search the rubble[/spoiler]

I am looking for advice/criticisms as well as punctuation/grammar errors pointed out (UK ENGLISH.)

Thanks for your time - Andy <3

[[BoT] Jason]

Try doing a theme less common and be original? Unless you have a set topic to write about

[Bromas]

Try doing a theme less common and be original? Unless you have a set topic to write about

It has to be middle earth fantasy. I'm setting it post - apocalypse and hopefully gonna find a way to make the elf find more people, anyone wanna give me some original races?

The town shook as another gigantic wooden beam fell down and crashed into the ground. After it crumbled into dust, a large dust-filled hole in the ground was all that was left. The elf, already scared, shuddered at the noise. Flames crackled, fire burning everything the elf knew. Beside the fear, only one thing was on his mind; revenge against the people who did this to his home.
As the flames died down, darkness returned. Inside the elf, a fiery anger grew until his heart was a seething inferno, stronger than ever before. Not 30 minutes before, he had been tired and half-asleep, now he was more awake than ever and looking for clues to find the people who did this to his town. He began to search the rubble. ".. To be continued."


Good luck.
Witches cackle. Fire crackles. For starters.

Basically, my teacher told me to go away and improve my fantasy book opening. It is here:

[spoiler]The town shook as another tremendous wooden beam fell and crashed into the ground leaving a large dent in the floor before crumbling into dust. The already scared elf shuddered at the noise and the feeling. The flames cackled, burning everything the elf knew. He had one thing on his mind; Revenge on the people that did this to his home. (Paragraph end/start) As the flames died down, darkness grew but the fire grew inside of the elf until his heart was an inferno with anger it was stronger than ever before. He was tired not 30minutes ago, looking for a bed to lay his weary head on; though now he was more awake than ever and looking for the people that did this to his town, he began to search the rubble[/spoiler]

I am looking for advice/criticisms as well as punctuation/grammar errors pointed out (UK ENGLISH.)

Thanks for your time - Andy <3

Jules, RAWR its personification

[Juliette]

Fire cackling is too close to a typo to being a good personification.. *lolol*


Other than that, I am awesome, thanks!

[Drought]

The first sentence references to a town and something that happens in a house apparently, it is a bit weird. Where is the connection ?
Also, kind of odd how that wooden beam suddenly crumbles. There is some mention about the fire, but the order is kinda off for me.
He seems to have been angry before, unclear what about.
Several sentences tend to read like hyperbolic metaphores, a bit over the top.
You do that more, emphasize with near extreme resemblences.
Its perhaps not realy a bad thing, as it helps in the description, but its all a bit out of the blue, there is no real build up.
Perhaps start out with the order differently.
Tell about the elf going through the rubble angered, afterwards depicting how he got there in sort of a flash back or play it out like it is being narrated.

I found your version a dull over the top read. [/end critique]

[Juliette]

The first sentence references to a town and something that happens in a house apparently, it is a bit weird. Where is the connection ?
Also, kind of odd how that wooden beam suddenly crumbles. There is some mention about the fire, but the order is kinda off for me.
He seems to have been angry before, unclear what about.
Several sentences tend to read like hyperbolic metaphores, a bit over the top.
You do that more, emphasize with near extreme resemblences.
Its perhaps not realy a bad thing, as it helps in the description, but its all a bit out of the blue, there is no real build up.
Perhaps start out with the order differently.
Tell about the elf going through the rubble angered, afterwards depicting how he got there in sort of a flash back or play it out like it is being narrated.

I found your version a dull over the top read. [/end critique]

Whoops, my multi strikes again.

[Zeratul]

It appears a bit too specific for fantasy with "30 minutes". You should use a vaguer term like "half an hour", or even something less specific like "a good while".

Second sentence looks a bit broken-off. What feeling does it speak of?
First sentence also looks a bit odd... unless the beams are of tremendous size or are holding up vast weights, an entire town will not shudder at the fall of any single beam.
this sentence

As the flames died down, darkness grew but the fire grew inside of the elf until his heart was an inferno with anger it was stronger than ever before

might be better like this:

As the flames died down and the light faded, the fiery anger within the elf grew. It consumed his heart like an inferno consumes a drought-ridden forest.

[harchester]

its cute.

[Psyko]

Basically, my teacher told me to go away and improve my fantasy book opening. It is here:

[spoiler]The town shook as another tremendous wooden beam fell and crashed into the ground leaving a large dent in the floor before crumbling into dust. The already scared elf shuddered at the noise and the feeling. The flames cackled, burning everything the elf knew. He had one thing on his mind; Revenge on the people that did this to his home. (Paragraph end/start) As the flames died down, darkness grew but the fire grew inside of the elf until his heart was an inferno with anger it was stronger than ever before. He was tired not 30minutes ago, looking for a bed to lay his weary head on; though now he was more awake than ever and looking for the people that did this to his town, he began to search the rubble[/spoiler]

I am looking for advice/criticisms as well as punctuation/grammar errors pointed out (UK ENGLISH.)

Thanks for your time - Andy <3

I'm on my phone, so I can't do a detailed critique, but I can say that you should have more variety in how your sentences begin. "The" is used to start 3 sentences in a row, and "He" is used twice with one sentence different in between. Another thing about "the" is that it makes a terrible, empty, first word to any story.

Like I said, I can't do details here, but until I can, try rephrasing the first sentence in a way that doesn't use "the"; make it grab the reader's attention.

[Juliette]

I'm on my phone, so I can't do a detailed critique, but I can say that you should have more variety in how your sentences begin. "The" is used to start 3 sentences in a row, and "He" is used twice with one sentence different in between. Another thing about "the" is that it makes a terrible, empty, first word to any story.

Like I said, I can't do details here, but until I can, try rephrasing the first sentence in a way that doesn't use "the"; make it grab the reader's attention.

Yeah.. you just failed. Oh yes, I just told you.

[Noobert]

If this is the beginning of a fantasy novel, you might want to start at the beginning.

Eg: Why is the town shaking?

Or is it one of those novels where it later explains or goes over the event in full detail?

[Bromas]

On phone as attempting to revise for my last exam that I know of (friday = physics) :'(

will ansewr/ reply too all when not busy