Notice Of Revocation Of U.S. Independence

[Juliette]

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires," e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 21.5% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2010.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21.5% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2009) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
Basil Fawlty (aka John Cleese)

[Legendary Apophis]

Aside of driving on the left (and perhaps forget american cars is bad too), I think it's all good

[ramen07]

i totally agree with 6. american football is for sissies (ya im an american so i can say it). i play real football, and i must say, it is so much better. baseball sucks too.

EDIT: if i am not to be an american anymore, may i revert to italian as i am 100% italian? we have traced back the family roots to about seven generations so i doubt this will be a problem.

[Legendary Apophis]

Some false things though.
Baseball is played alot by Japan and Cuba, from my own knowledge I say so, and perhaps Australia too (not sure there).
But for Cuba and Japan I'm totally sure.

[ramen07]

Some false things though.
Baseball is played alot by Japan and Cuba, from my own knowledge I say so, and perhaps Australia too (not sure there).
But for Cuba and Japan I'm totally sure.

i wasnt aware of it in aussieland. japan yes, cuba yes. i just dont like the idea of standing in left field picking your nose until one comes your way, then having your salary depend on your ability to squint into the sun and catch the ball that is flying at about 30mph towards your face with a mitt that has a pocket slightly bigger than the ball.

rawr this callus is starting to bug me.

[Egeria]

I was always fancied as to which nation is more crazy - British or americans

[ramen07]

it depends on whether you think british humor is funnier than american sitcoms. apart from monty python i believe the sitcoms win

[Egeria]

it depends on whether you think british humor is funnier than american sitcoms. apart from monty python i believe the sitcoms win

Well, driving on the left while vast majority of the world drives on the right - you call that normal

[ramen07]

it depends on whether you think british humor is funnier than american sitcoms. apart from monty python i believe the sitcoms win

Well, driving on the left while vast majority of the world drives on the right - you call that normal

not really, but the american music artist ozzy osbourne frequently bit off live bats' heads in live concerts....i doubt anyone would call that normal either

[Legendary Apophis]

Some false things though.
Baseball is played alot by Japan and Cuba, from my own knowledge I say so, and perhaps Australia too (not sure there).
But for Cuba and Japan I'm totally sure.

i wasnt aware of it in aussieland. japan yes, cuba yes. i just dont like the idea of standing in left field picking your nose until one comes your way, then having your salary depend on your ability to squint into the sun and catch the ball that is flying at about 30mph towards your face with a mitt that has a pocket slightly bigger than the ball.

rawr this callus is starting to bug me.

As I said not sure for Australia, don't even know if they do it afterall

it depends on whether you think british humor is funnier than american sitcoms. apart from monty python i believe the sitcoms win

Well, driving on the left while vast majority of the world drives on the right - you call that normal

There US are more normal than UK on that point...

[ramen07]

but alas, you failed to see my ozzy osbourne comment...
ah well. but the americans also contain many many italians, and there is solid proof that italians are the craziest of all...just look at my daily household

[Egeria]

As well as - you have to be of "noble" blood if you want to attain some positions in the UK. Come on - that is hardly normal.

[ramen07]

very true. americans (like me) are crazy enough to argue the point that they are crazier than the english

[Legendary Apophis]

As well as - you have to be of "noble" blood if you want to attain some positions in the UK. Come on - that is hardly normal.

Many countries used to be like that in past

but alas, you failed to see my ozzy osbourne comment...
ah well. but the americans also contain many many italians, and there is solid proof that italians are the craziest of all...just look at my daily household

Don't care much of this person...
British people however don't allow guns for everyone, that prevents many many kills & murders...

[Egeria]

UK people - some of them dwell on rather silly traditions considering it's 21st century. It's as limiting as the church in the middle ages was - and look where "Dark Ages" got us, the science as we know it was punishable by death, all you could was to worship a "God" who was not ashamed to kill many innocents in so called "anti-heresy" trials and crusades.

Traditions should not be dwelled upon nor kept should it set humankind back. Or if they are restricting to one group of people.

And Apophis - Yes. But past is past. Some people learnt from the past, some didn't.